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— Break-ups and the Loss of Self Worth

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Break-ups and the Loss of Self Worth

Mariel Witmond
Mariel Witmond

18 April, 2020

Kelly Sikkema E8H76Ny1V6Q Unsplash

"At the end of the day, you can either focus on what's tearing you apart, or what's holding you together." - Anonymous

Here's the thing: Life is going to challenge us. It challenges us in order for us to become the people we need to be for the kind of life we want to live. We move through cyclical journeys of growth and life will shoot us back into repetitive patterns until we are able to learn our lessons and move on. So much of what we have to learn about ourselves is reflected in the relationships we have, especially the relationships we choose to have.

Here's the next thing: Break-ups are HARD. There's no real way around that. We often attach illusions to relationships and when they end, it's the burst of the illusion and the disillusionment of the ego that can hurt the most. Our first instinct when breakups happen is to assume that something is wrong with us. Our rational mind is not the one running the show when it comes to relationships, which is why we need to practice so much compassion towards ourselves when dealing with any form of rejection.

Speaking from personal experience, a lot of times we try hard to be the "right" person for who we are with - all the more so when we feel we are losing them. We lose sight of who we truly are and it can take a while to come back to the real you. We find ourselves dealing with the loss of our self worth as we associate that worth with being wanted by someone else. By relying on validation outside of ourselves, we give away our power for others to manipulate.

As hard as it can be to accept, break-ups are an incredible opportunity for growth. We often choose people that reflect the bits of ourselves we don't like and things we have yet to resolve within ourselves. The challenge is that as breakups happen, our negative self talk can serve to validate the things we don't like about ourselves, rather than recognising the things that were not working in the relationship - the values that were being compromised, the behaviour that should not have been tolerated.

So, how do we rebuild our self worth when dealing with rejection?

1. Give yourself time to grieve. Be ok with not being ok. Sit with your emotions. Be open to learning from them.

2. Ask yourself the right questions: do you find yourself dating the same kind of person? What about them appealed to you? Where have you been abandoning yourself? It is often the illusion we hang on to after a breakup that our partner was perfect and we are not loveable.

3. Notice your self-talk, that inner critic. What are your voices saying? Can you catch them as they appear and instead choose to listen to the voices within you that cheer you on, that remind you of your worth.

4. Find forgiveness - for yourself and your ex. Use visualisations and affirmations to help you find confidence at a time when you are feeling small. Breakups are when we need to practice compassion towards ourselves the most.

5. Notice where your mind goes when you think about the breakup. Do you keep running back to things said or done that validate your thoughts of not being enough? Because the only one validating those things is you.

6. Instead of wasting your time thinking about your ex, use this time to put your attention on the person that needs it the most - you. Write down the all of the things you want from your ideal person and relationship. Put that energy out into the universe and really connect with your needs.

7. After you have given yourself sufficient time to grieve and be with yourself, do things to lift yourself up again. Exercise, get dressed up (dress how you want to feel inside), pamper yourself. Treat yourself with kindness, the way you would a friend.

8. Connect with gratitude. Find things you can be grateful for and from a place of gratitude discover abundance. It is nearly impossible to move forward from a negative place of not enough. Connect with that place of plenty and allow it to usher you forwards.

If you are currently going through a breakup, feeling rejected or questioning your loveability - you are not alone, and with the right mindset, you can come out of this stronger than before. Remember that we are all prisoners of our minds. We create our own realities based on thoughts we have convinced ourselves to be true. We can choose to believe other thoughts - positive thoughts that lift us up rather than drag us down.

Nobody can establish your worth other than you. We set the tone for how others treat us based on how we treat ourselves. So you weren't right for your ex, or the ex before that. Life if helping you to find yourself so that when the right person does come along, you will recognise them, rather than keep falling back into old repetitive patterns. Trust the journey and embrace becoming.

You are loveable and you are enough.

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