What do you see, when you see me?
Beneath the surface is a highly sensitive person that was told most of her life she was too emotional. In turn I began to hide my emotions, for many years not allowing anyone to ever see me cry. Nothing triggers me more than being teased (personally, I find it a passive way for people to say mean things while keeping the tone light, often deflecting their own insecurities). Over time I built a wall and bottled up the things I felt while using every form of escapism in order to not have to face myself.
I recently came across the expression: if it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Hysterical really sums up some of the emotional outbursts I have had throughout my life, all of those repressed historical feelings catapulting to the surface. More often than not, I was so disconnected from my emotional state that I struggled to even articulate what I was feeling and why. I remember the hysteria, and I remember feeling like damaged goods.
We don’t heal through avoidance. The only way we can heel is by intentionally doing that inside work - and it starts with seeing ourselves as we are and giving ourselves permission to FEEL. Emotions aren’t random. They are trying to tell you something about yourself. When you turn down the volume on how you feel, you turn down the volume on who you are.
That fear of inadequacy can trigger us into thinking there is something wrong with us. I am conscious of things I do that I don’t always like, but try as I might to improve them, we have to be so careful that other people’s opinions or issues with how we are don’t in turn encourage self hatred. I spent most of my life not liking myself and I refuse to go back there.
Surround yourself with people who help to lift you up through kindness and encouragement. Be sensitive. Be emotional. Feel it all. Lean into it, learn from it, learn to be ok with it. You are perfectly imperfect. We all are.